As mothers of daughters we value having a fun, joyous, and fulfilling relationship with our daughters, characterized by deep emotional connection and shared perspectives. We may have visions of shopping trips, spa days, late night talks, and vacations during which we’ll soak up the fun moments of life and strengthen our bond.

When our daughters are old enough to enjoy these types of experiences with us, we may notice they’re not really interested, and we’re left wondering why. The answer may be because the fun joyous experiences where we laugh, joke, and enjoy life are actually the last step in building an authentic relationship. If we’re seeking this out with our daughters and we haven’t fostered and attended to the other aspects of relationship building throughout their lives up until this point, we may be missing a huge piece of what’s needed to create lasting connection.

Emotional trust is the basis of a healthy mother daughter relationship.

The most important step in building emotional trust with our daughters is creating a safe space for them to freely express their thoughts, feelings, and perspectives. This can be challenging in the mother/daughter relationship and in a parenting relationship in general. Here are six things you can do to help build emotional safety with your daughter.

1. Get comfortable listening and encouraging her to express herself. When our daughters are struggling, we instinctively jump in and coach or try to problem solve. After all, she’s upset and feeling bad and as her mom you want to help her feel better. However, when we jump in, we’re taking from her a very crucial part of her growth: the opportunity to identify and work through her own emotions and come up with a solution herself. When she talks to us about what she’s going through, she’ll be feeling and processing her emotions. Our bodies know how to metabolize our feelings if we’re willing to feel them. Taking time to get curious and ask questions will get her talking more and help her to understand what’s she feeling. Young kids and teens can’t always articulate or name what’s going on for them. They just know they’re feeling bad or upset. If we go through the process to get them talking and naming their feelings, it helps them build emotional intelligence and understand themselves better. Using an emotion wheel can be helpful throughout this process. This personal development will be vital to her navigating peer pressure, choosing healthy relationships, and pursing her dreams.

2. Try not to jump to conclusions and inject your own emotions into the conversation. This is definitely easier said than done! If you seemingly catch your daughter in a lie, find out she’s broken a boundary, has a failing grade, is in trouble at school, etc., try to sit her down and get curious before you allow yourself to move to disappointment, anger, or frustration. By asking questions first, you will hear her side of the story, her viewpoint, or her account. Also, hold back your judgement–once again curiosity is your greatest tool here. If you see her argue with a friend, miss a school assignment, or have a problem with time management, ask questions before you offer criticism. Attempt to understand her logic and reasoning for why she’s made specific decisions or what events led up to the way she went about something.

3. Refrain from giving guidance and direction. I know mamas…We want to guide them and help them avoid pitfalls and pain. But your daughter needs to strengthen her own inner compass and the more we let her guide herself, the more fine-tuned and informed her inner guidance will become. Plus, giving her advice feels like you’re telling her what to do and she could interpret this as you not trusting her. This can lead to resentment and jeopardize the intimacy of the relationship.

4. Tell your daughter that you appreciate her. Don’t be afraid to say thank you even for the smallest moments. Thank her for cleaning her room, for sharing with you her feelings, for sticking to a boundary you’ve set around screen time or online activity. You can also express appreciation for her efforts to work hard on things you know are important to her. Expressing gratitude to her sets the tone for gratitude in your home. It also teaches her to give gratitude and appreciation in return.

5. Keep her feelings, mistakes, and inner world confidential. This is a core component of trust, intimacy, and emotional safety in any relationship. Our daughters need to be confident that we won’t discuss their lives with other people. This means we don’t discuss the inner workings of her life with our friends and we don’t post on social media about her without permission. Just like adults don’t like having others post about them, you should ask your daughter before posting pictures or sharing her life online. Even when it comes to sharing information with the other parent, inform her you want to do so or encourage her to talk to him/her if you feel it’s something he/she needs to know. If you want her to keep sharing, she needs to know her life is safe with you.

6. Cut the criticism. It’s human nature to offer criticism as communication. All too often we find ourselves saying things to our daughters such as, “Your room is so messy,” “You haven’t done your homework,” or “You’re on social media too much.” This often proves to be an unproductive way to motivate them. While it may seem like you’re just stating the facts, the words are laced with judgement and criticism. Instead, try stating the same statement as a request or a need. For example, “Your room is so messy,” turns into, “I would feel better if you could clean up your room. Would you mind doing it sometime today?” “You haven’t’ done your homework,” turns into, “It’s getting late and I’m worried that you don’t have enough time to do your homework before bed. What do you need to get started?” “You’re on social media too much,” turns into, “I’m concerned with the amount of time spent on social media. I know it’s not good for any of us. How do you think we can work on this?”

Bottom line—building trust with your daughter involves showing up in the small moments. You can strengthen trust in meaningful ways everyday by applying the tactics above. It’s never too late to start! Over time, the efforts and shared experience will help you and your daughter build an unbreakable bond that will help carry you both through this wonderful, crazy life. And then, bring on the spa days, shopping trips, and mother/daughter adventures. She’ll always value and look forward to the time she gets to spend with you!